Hm....

[dagibbs]

From this week's post secret:



that seems kind of wrong...but, well, I don't generally make out with guys.

So... if you're making out with a guy (on a date, or in other circumstances, but let's assume you're not actually having sex with this guy) and he gets a boner... is that a good thing?  Or a bad thing?  Is it something he should be trying to avoid?  (Why?)

Comments

[ilanikhan.livejournal.com]

I think it's a good thing. It means he's interested in me and not just going through the motions. It's not always easy to tell on this side of the kiss though if he has one or not, so it's not like it's a requirement.
I can see how some men in some walks of life would be embarassed by it, like it maybe signifies that they're not getting tonnes and tonnes of sex like they're "supposed to". (amoung other reasons as well)

[http://users.livejournal.com/jenunderscore_/]

I like boners

[kattale.livejournal.com]

Was chatting with a fellow recently, talking about the con or non-con aspects of someone plopping themselves down on a lap for cuddles without verifying that the gesture was actually wanted. He found it awkward to say, "Actually, I don't want you in my lap, I don't have a desire to be this intimate with you", especially when his body responses were indicating otherwise.

It's a totally different scenario than the one described above - since mutual making out would imply the seeking of intimacy on both parts - but it does highlight that sometimes the boner has its own mind, which isn't always in keeping with the mind of the person sporting one... While it would be nice if mind and boner could be of one accord - this might be the act of someone who wants to make sure that all of his choices are choices of his mind and not of his boner.

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Bodies are bodies. They react to things they like. I take it as a compliment; that's all. Not an obligation, or a threat, or anything to be embarrassed about.

(Actually, if anything, I think it's kind of hot.)

[amazon-syren.livejournal.com]

I think it depends on the date.

I mean, if you're making out then presumably some further evidence that your make-out partner is turned on and enjoying it is a good thing.

However if it's a relationship (or even just a situation) where staying the night isn't in the cards, it's possible that the writer just doesn't want to leave the venue looking like he has a third leg,
OR
He doesn't want an uncontrolled bodily response to cause his date to feel pressured to put out. (In my case: I want my kissing partner to know that I'm seriously enjoying kissing them. I don't want them to feel like, because I'm turned on, I'm expecting them to "do something about it" or whatever, and we're in a culture that tells women that if we have the unmitigated whooorishness to turn a man on by being all a lady at him, we'd better be prepared to put out. So I can see how a dude who's not a jerk, but who also doesn't have conscious (articulated?) understanding of sex-negative culture, would be going "Crap, if I get a boner, it might make her uncomfortable, and I don't want that"),
OR
He might just be really embarrassed about wanting more than his date has indicated that she's up for doing, in any "obvious" way. (See: sex negative culture + dudes are supposed to be Totally In Control for details).


At least that's my take on it.

[elizilla]

Unless it's already a fairly intimate situation, I almost never see them, actually. Men know how to keep them to themselves. They casually obscure them behind tabletops or things carried in their arms, or remain seated and let the boner hide in the wrinkles of their trousers, or whatever. I imagine it is skill they learn during the more hellish parts of puberty, and carry into adulthood.

Also, I guess I'm over-socialized enough to have completely internalized the thing about not staring at the crotch of the person you're talking to. :) The non-intimate boners I have noticed are always on men I am not interacting with - like if you're sitting on a couch in con hotel lobby, idly watching people go by, you might spot one, since it's more common for men to wear revealing clothes there, and also perhaps more likely to find men who didn't develop good boner concealment skills as teens, or who are letting it all hang out. And there are jerks who will intentionally draw attention to their boners or point out those of others, as an act of aggression. But I cannot recall ever spotting one, visually, on anyone I'm actually interacting with in a friendly non-intimate way.

[tanac.livejournal.com]

I've just come across this trope recently myself - someone informed me that he'd always heard you should 'empty yourself out' before a date. I guess I'll have to ask why, now, although I can anticipate that the answer is a) more control over physiological responses; b) not wanting to appear weird/desperate if one should occur during something innocuous like a hug, or the like; and c) it's relaxing and takes some of the tension off, which when one is wound pretty tightly to start with is no small thing.

As to whether or not I'd personally mind it; there have been times when it felt really inappropriate (someone I was not interested in, frex) but most times (if I even noticed - I am *so* with Kathy on this one, I rarely notice unless it's being pressed into my attention, or leg, somehow ;) I have no problem with it whatsoever, and take it as flattering.

[sabotabby]

If we like each other to make out, I would be slightly worried about a lack of a boner.

[jmae.livejournal.com]

I'd be saddened if there was no boner. But I'm a person of fairly loose proclivities. :D

[con-girl.livejournal.com]

Never paid attention. But, thinking about it, if it was a first date when I was younger and more uncertain about this whole sex thing, a boner might have been awkward to deal with.

Also, if he's someone who finds boners really painful, or distracting, or just has a tendency to leak, he may find that he can concentrate much better on the "making out" without one. I'd appreciate that effort.

Is it just me or does "making out" make the person sound young? "Inappropriate" boners are an especial concern of youth.

[curgoth]

I think the assumption this is based on is that the dude should not have a hard-on at the make-out stage, but rather should wait until the invitation to actual sex.

And I suppose if you were in a relationship where making out was as far as things were going on dates, drawing attention to a more initmate desire could be a little awkward. If the guy behind the post secret is in high school, for example.

That said, though, if I'm making out with a guy, I'd really much rather he feel free to enjoy it as much as possible.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

I don't find "making out" a "young" term. Heck I still use it. :) And, I don't have a better term for sessions of extended kissing.

[elizilla]

The term "making out" implies some things that are perhaps not so good. But it also implies some things that are delicious. :)

[horsetraveller.livejournal.com]

My first thought is, does masturbating ahead of time prevent an erection later? That is an odd thought. Is there a quota on how many erections you get?

Second, I agree with elizilla that I don't see them, but sometimes I do notice if there is a very tight hug and I can feel it. But I imagine if someone thought it wasn't the right time to let the date know about it, the hug doesn't have to be quite at that angle.

I also agree with amazon-syren that there is an unpleasant expectation that women are responsible for taking care of men's erections, and it is nice that the person in question seems to want to avoid making his date feel responsible for following through for making him aroused.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Thanks. That's about what I was thinking.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

:)

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Hm... true. But, the idea that a boner makes up one's mind for one... well, that doesn't say good things about men.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Thanks. That's about how I think about it.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess I wasn't factoring in sex-negative culture enough. I don't expect a partner to do anything because I'm turned on. My arousal is not their obligation.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Well, at the "making-out" level, is not so much likely to be the staring at his crotch, so much as feeling it against you.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess I can see if a hug caused one... could be a problem. Not the stated issue in the postsecret (making out). And, I guess if you're really tightly wound.

Again, if it was someone you weren't interested in... why would you be making-out with the person? At that point, I would hope you are interested enough in the person (even if not planning to have sex) that them being aroused by it wouldn't be a problem.

But, yeah, otherwise flattering is the thought I had.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Yup. :)

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

:)

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I can see that a bit. Goes back to sex-negative culture, and maybe implied responsibility shit.

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Necking. :)

(Though ditto on still using the phrase 'making out.' It gets the idea across....)

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

There isn't a quota for erections... but there is... recovery time. Most men will not be able to get an erection immediately after orgasming, and depending on the person (and age) for some time thereafter. And, even if it is beyond the minimum refactory period, a recent orgasm will tend to mean it requires stronger stimulus to get aroused again. Kind of like eating... if you've recently eaten, you're not as hungry.

As amazon_syren has pointed out, yeah there is that trope of "responsibility". I have no such expectation, so I hadn't really thought that through. And, it is ICK. My arousal is not someone else's problem.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Yeah, necking is another term -- though I don't think it is a better term. Hm... and I think necking may just mean extended kissing, while I think making out may also allow for... caressing and a bit of groping, maybe.

[curgoth]

Canoodling!

[curgoth]

I Blame The Patriarchy!

[kattale.livejournal.com]

Not all men are guided by their boners. But not all men aren't. And they don't come with labels to tell you which ones.

Women fall prey to our hormones from time to time, so we certainly can't point fingers.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Hm... always a fun term, especially in a canoe!

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Up the patriarchy! Sideways!

[ragnhildr.livejournal.com]

I think you have a number of explanations of where this is likely coming from.

Count me among those who think the boner would be a fine and lovely thing if it occurs while I am making out with a guy.

[kd5mdk.livejournal.com]

It was a plot element in the movie "There's Something About Mary".

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Yup.

:)

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

I've not seen the movie. Probably to noone's surprise.

[roseknospe.livejournal.com]

OH wow, I had no idea you read post secret as well!

Nice!

[c-crockett.livejournal.com]

Snogging is another great word for it.

And I'm totally fine with people I'm making out with getting erections! Absolutely in favour of it! I wouldn't be making out with them if I weren't.

Catherine

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Yeah, snogging is a good word, just not one I tend to think of using.